Tuesday, January 3, 2012

An Open Letter to Idiot Drivers

Dear Idiot Drivers;

Over Christmas break I drove from Provo, Utah to Tacoma, Washington and back - somewhere around 2000 miles. In my travels I met a great deal of your kind. I found that although by far the highest concentration is located within 100 miles of Provo, Utah, I quickly realized that you can be found anywhere on the highways, in any vehicle.

I am writing this letter to inform you of some factoids which you clearly missed when God was handing out common-sense.

I wanted to let you know that the blinky lights on the corners of my car actually don't mean I want you to speed up and drive alongside me. They indicate where I want my car to go, not where I want your car to go.

I also want you to know that I shouldn't be able to count your nose hairs in my rearview mirror. I'm honored by your desire to be close to me, but there's a time and a place for that, and it's not while we're travelling 70mph.

Also, those white signs with numbers on them - those are called Speed Limit signs. Think of them as a game. Whoever gets the closest to that number on their speedometer wins.

If you decide not to play the speedometer game that's fine. But please don't become the person who's nose hairs I'm counting. As I said before, I'm flattered by the attention, and I can't help but slow down as to bring us closer together.

If you do want to go faster than me, you can always move into the lane to the left of me and go. If you would like to go slower than me and the rest of traffic, please move into the lane on the right. I understand right and left are difficult concepts, but with practice I'm confident you'll come to understand.

This last word of advice is applicable both to driving and to life: just because you can cram yourself in there doesn't mean you should.

It's not that I don't like you, Idiot Drivers. On the contrary, my middle finger loves to come out to see you and my car horn always says hi. I just think you need to consider a permanent relocation, perhaps to Antarctica or the far side of the moon.

Sincerely Yours,

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